Home = Safety Zone

Home is where your kids should feel safe. Help create an environment where you are providing both a physical and emotional safety zone for your child. If they need a nightlight, get one. If they need to talk, listen.

Children of all ages (that includes us adults!) have fears. As children, they see and hear things that can often times get distorted as they try to comprehend kidnappings, violence, even our failing economy.  I encourage you to sit down with your children. Talk, but mostly listen to better understand where they’re coming from and where you may be able to diffuse the fear. For our family, faith is a big comfort. We work through things together and then pray about them. Do what works for your family, but help them to know that home is a place of security and love. Build that for them and you’ll build strong fear-facing adults.

Cell Phone Compromises

My oldest girl, Sophia has been patiently waiting for her turn at a cell phone. It’s the same battle I’ve faced with all of my children as they enter their teen years. They are dying for a phone to feel connected with their social world and I am wanting to keep them safe.

Let it be known that I am not a fan of giving phones, social networking site privileges or keys to the car (for that matter) any sooner than is necessary. I am not one to want to put my children out there open to anyone texting, emailing or contacting them if we don’t know them.

For Sophia, at 14, we were at a point that we needed to make a decision. She is at a school without any other siblings this year and on a completely different activity and practice schedule than the rest of the kids. After countless calls to her friends to find her, we decided to take the plunge and get her a cell phone. I was at my wits end calling six different people to eventually find her and get her a quick message. The safety and sanity reasons to get a cell phone far out-weighed the bad, but still I had hestiations…until I found our cell phone compromise.

We spent about three hours in the Verizon store setting up her phone last week. Why so long, you may wonder? I added controls on her phone. I locked in family, key friends and emergency numbers that she could call, text, and receive calls and texts from. We compromised. I also have the code to her phone so I can log in and update at any time.

Now we’re both happy. She’s got her phone and I’ve got a controlled environment for people to be in contact with her. If you’re not sure if your cell carrier has this option, just ask them. I did!  The representative admitted he’d never seen anyone do this, but it didn’t bother me one bit. I had a happy girl and a happy mom walking out of the store which makes it all well worth it.

Come to a compromise with your child so you all can feel safe, happy and connected.

Turn it off

If there is ever a doubt that a television program is inappropriate for a specific age group – too graphic, too violent, inappropriate language – turn it off!  Having a household that has a range of ages running from toddler to college-aged, we have a wide range of shows of interest. Often times I hear that parents have a hard time controlling what their children are watching. Check out options of blocking certain changes during certain hours – it’s not being mean, it’s part of your job as a parent. Whether you’re home or not, making these decisions can help monitor for you.

In general, I’m not a big fan of television. I encourage homework, outdoor games, activities, working out or practicing a skill before we consider watching television at our house. I would much rather have them active and working their minds and bodies than sitting in front of the TV.

If we do some TV time, we do it as a group. Typically it’s a reality show like American Idol or a big sporting event that we can all talk about and participate in by cheering or picking a favorite. We also have movie nights where we all gather together with popcorn and chill out.

Enjoy your TV, but make a point to share it with your child so if they have questions, you can help talk them through it or help choose age-appropriate shows – after you’ve completed your homework, that is!

Empowering Your Child

I’d read a fascinating article from Dr. Bob Wilmott of Cardinal Glennon, on how the involvement of parents is key to the success of their children in school, yet how we, as parents, walk a fine line of hovering or even smothering them if we should become too involved. While well-meaning, the “helicopter” type of parenting can ultimately backfire.

In a CNN report, clinical psychologist Mark Crawford explained the term “helicopter parent” comes from the concept of hovering. “They’re always around their kids’ life, kind of on the fringe, always making sure things go the way they need to go and not really allowing the kids to figure out solutions to problems on their own.”

How do we protect our kids, but allow them to test their own wings all at the same time? Raise a problem-solving child.

Encourage them to seek out a solution or solutions to their problem. Don’t offer the answer (which, let’s face it, may not always be the right or best option for them). Allow them to make a few wrong decisions or at least work through these cases with you so that they can begin to develop an independence that will encourage confidence rather than the fear to fail.

Here are some helpful tips from Dr. Wilmott to”raising a problem-solving” child.

• Encourage your child to discuss their problems, but allow them to come up with their own solutions.
• Steer clear of battles such as disputing a grade, a disciplinary action taken on your child or placement of them on a team. Instead, talk to your child about it. See how they feel about the situation and work through possible solutions based on that.
• Never do your child’s homework. Often times parents feel like they are “helping” and by doing so end up actually doing the work. Not good. They need to learn to ask questions, research and work through things with you, but they need to apply that to their studies on thier own.
• Respect your child’s teacher’s time by emailing first before calling or arriving for a meeting. You may be able to resolve it quickly and efficiently with a simple email exchange with them. If you want to be involved, they can always find a way for that. Just email and be flexible to what they have to offer.
• Teach your children to respect their teachers, coaches and elders.While it’s ok to question authority at times, there is certainly a right and wrong way to do that. If you act respectful, you can instill that in your child.
• Hold your children accountable. Let them deal with the consequences of their actions. Don’t jump in and try to protect them. Life is about making choices. If they learn early how each choice effects their life, they will sooner than later make the right ones most often.
• If you fear that your child is a victim of bullying, work through solutions or responses directly with your child first before involving the school (unless it is of certain extreme). The teachers are there to teach. Discipline is part of the job, but behavoir of your child starts at home. Take responsibilty for it.

Support from Your Parents

It doesn’t matter how old we get, it’s always a wonderful feeling to have parents involved and supporting us, and as we get older – supporting our children, throughout life. I can’t say enough about both my parents and Jim’s parents support over the years for us as their children and then each of their grandchildren. It’s been amazing to know that love. I hope that you get a chance to be supportive parent and potentially grandparent someday, because these jobs are the most important ones we’ll ever have.

Shown here: My mom and I join my son Nikko for a photo after a SLU high school football game.